Sunday, December 20, 2009

I hate chimpanzees (yet they fascinate me as well)

Most people have a fairly positive image of chimps. When they think of these hairy little apes in the wild, they often envision them placidly swinging around through the jungle in search of bananas and casually picking the hairs off the backs of their companions. In terms of their relationship with humans, we often see trained chimpanzees playing pianos, riding on segways, and contemplating the meaning of civilization in Planet of the Apes. And then of course there are the iconic images of Jane Goodall and her groundbreaking work with the chimps of Tanzania. All the while, we see them flashing those all-too-human grins.

When I think of a chimp, this is what I see:


A remorseless, borderline sociopathic pseudo-human that will be hugging you one moment, and then ripping your arms the next.

I will admit that my prejudice is more based on emotion than scientific investigation. Nevertheless, these animals absolutely terrify me. It all began when I was a little kid. At a local arcade, there was a Wack-A-Mole-style game where you had to bop plastic alligator heads with a mallet as they popped in and out of the machine. On the machine was artwork to give it a jungle feel, where at the bottom of the picture were the crocs swimming in a river. But above them were painted images of chimps swinging through the trees. I remember how evil they looked, with these gigantic jaws and inhuman smiles.

Still, it was just arcade art, and it soon fell out of my mind. There was an incident at the National Zoo when a chimp came right up to where I was standing, and started banging on the glass angrily. I actually found it funny at the time.

Then a few years ago, this happened. It was the most ghastly animal attack that I had ever read or heard about, and coming from someone who probably watched practically every nature program ever aired in the nineties, that's saying alot. But however horrible it was, it pales when compared to this. You may have heard this story (it was on Oprah after all). I mean, dear lord, you'd think that she fell head first into a blender. That's not a joke, btw. And these are not the only attacks that have happened; there have been numerous attacks in Africa, with some reports of chimps eating human remains.

What makes these kinds of attacks do terrifying is that the chimps seemed to know exactly where to go to hurt these people the most. This is definitely a testament to their intelligence; the fact that the anatomy of our two species is so similar probably makes us even more vulnerable. A number of mammalian predators like the big cats go for the jugular of their prey in order to ensure a quick kill. Crocodiles sometimes drag their victims under water in order to drown them. More primitive creatures such as insects will often bite or scratch wherever they can. But these chimpanzees seem to know just how to rip a person to pieces.



Chimpanzees are four to five times stronger than the average adult human male (this allows them to move through trees so easily), and their jaws are like mechanical vices.
They are also extremely intelligent. A while before Travis (the chimpanzee in the second attack) mutilated Charla Nash, he reacted to a road rage incident in a very human-like fashion. While sitting in the back seat of his owner's car, an angry driver lobbed an object in their direction. The object went through one of the windows and hit Travis. Understandably pissed, the angry ape unbuckled his seatbelt, opened the car door, and chased after the man. Fortunately, the driver got away. But how many animals do you know of can successfully use a seatbelt and car door? If you combine the physical and mental abilities of these creatures, you arguably have the most dangerous animal on the planet.

My revulsion at these animals does not extend to the other primates. At the very worst, some species of monkey can be pests, but don't pose any real threat to people. Gorillas are the victims of horrible prejudices and misconceptions, and are actually quite gentle. Baboons can look fierce, but they generally shy away from humans as well. And no one has ever complained of being attacked by a lemur. Chimpanzees (and some messed up people) are the only primates who would ever consider committing the monstrous acts that I've just shown you.

At the same time, chimpanzees fascinate me. They are just so close to humans in so many ways, and not just in opening car doors. Chimp communities, and those of other primates, seem to ape (pun sort of intended) those of primitive human societies.
Check out this video:


The attack of this "militia" very much resembles the actions of nomadic warrior bands in the early centuries of humanity's existence. Like the chimps, such groups would attack settlements with a great deal of brutality, often slaughtering anyone who got in their way. Unlike these chimps, most human societies made cannibalism a taboo. But still, looking at these animals act is almost like staring deep into mankind's ancient past. Also, notice how one chimp hands the another one a piece of meat when the latter chimp asks for some food. A few social animals such lions and wolves have developed a pecking order of who eats first when a kill is brought in, but generally, Mother Nature works on a first come, first serve basis. Chimpanzees, however, have a sense of cooperation and communication when it comes to food, and choose to dine in a manner that one might almost describe as "civilized." Other apes have shown signs of high intelligence; some gorillas have been seen using simple tools, and orangutans have used something called "calculated reciprocity," which is where one weighs the costs and benefits of an exchange of items while keeping track of these exchanges over time. But chimpanzees, being so similar to people in their mannerisms, are the closest thing we have to a second human race.

Chimpanzees, like all animals, are not inherently evil, but they are powerful and intelligent creatures that knows how to hurt people. They belong in the wild or at the zoo, not in people's homes as pets. I would not want to see them become extinct, but I do not want them within several miles of me, unless in a zoo, behind bulletproof glass.

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